Over the years I’ve heard it several times from international friends and colleagues: Dutch people have a bit of an uneasy relationship with compliments. In the eyes of my friends, many Dutchmen find it both difficult to receive a compliment and to give one. And I recognize what they are saying, most notably when I compare it with how people in some other cultures deal with compliments.
Receiving
Let’s start by looking at ‘receiving a compliment’. Many Dutchmen, when you make them a compliment, might experience visible discomfort. And in response they may try to hold it off: ‘Well, you know, it’s just part of my work´. ‘You would have done the same, wouldn’t you?’ Reactions like that. And they do not realize that by responding in that manner they sort of leave you standing alone with the nice little present that your compliment actually is.
Giving
The giving of compliments in abundance doesn’t come naturally to many Dutchmen either. Let me give you two examples. One from a work context and one from a situation among friends.
An example from work
You are at work, and you have created something. For example: you’ve written a publication, designed an object or built a prototype, just to mention something. You give it to your (Dutch) superior to hear her or his ideas about it, or to get approval to go on with it. The next day you get your feedback. In Dutch: ‘Er is niks mis mee’ (‘There is nothing wrong with it´).
This message may leave you somewhat confused. It may be good to hear that there’s nothing wrong with your work, but you kind of knew that already, otherwise you would not have submitted it for review. But it feels like your underlying questions (‘Do you approve? Is it any good? Can I move-on with it?’) have not been answered. However, context is important here. Let me assure you: from some Dutch superiors this comes as close to a compliment as you will ever get. It does mean that they approve, that they actually think it is good.
But if you come from a culture where compliments are given in abundance, and in superlatives (‘achievement of the week’, ‘employee of the month’, stuff like that), all this may make you quite uncertain about your performance.
Among friends
Together with other friends you are at someone’s home for dinner. Your host has really put up an effort to prepare a nice meal, and it tastes delicious. The people at the table really appreciate the dinner and they tell their host so. Among Dutch friends, someone may make his appraisal known by saying something like (in Dutch): ‘Ja, dit is wel binnen te houden’.
Technically this translates as ‘Yes, it is possible to keep this inside’. As in: ‘to not spit it out again, right away´. To you that may sound like the very minimum, and coming close to an insult. But once again, context matters. In a Dutch context the one who said this is actually making a big compliment. But he does so by bringing it as an understatement. With the intention to not make the host feel uncomfortable. And the host will know: he is really enjoying the meal!
😋 🍲
The underlying theory
Social scientists have a theory about the Dutch (and for that matter ‘nordic’) tendency to brush-off a received compliment, and to give one in an understated way at best. They often attribute this to the longstanding Calvinistic tradition of the country, especially north of the river Rhine. And though the Netherlands are now more or less a secular society: old habits die slowly, if at all.
An important paradigm in Calvinism (and in Protestantism in general) is a strong believe in equality. You can find this paradigm enshrined in the strongly egalitarian character of the Dutch culture. And now you may also begin to understand the uncomfortable relation with compliments: if you give someone a (big) compliment, you raise him or her above the others. And in an egalitarian culture that is definitively out of the comfort zone. Hence people brush it off, almost in auto-pilot mode. And that’s why compliments are preferably given in an understating way, so as to avoid any discomfort on the receiving end.
On top of that: Calvinism comes with a strongly developed work-ethos. Among others rooted in the Biblical ‘By the sweat of your face shall you eat bread…..[1]’ In other words: you are implicitly supposed to do nothing less than your stinking best. And if I were to give you compliments for that, I would be sort of rubbing in the obvious once again.
I’m going to round off this blog. And I do so by giving you a little ‘on hindsight’. Being Dutch myself: in the years since I learned all this, I really trained myself to recognize a compliment for the gift that it actually is. Something to brighten my day. And to visibly and audibly receive it, and thank the giver for it. And, to make myself a little compliment: I am still getting better at it all the time!
😊
[1] Book of Genesis, chapter 3, verse 19, American Standard translation
